Sleep

How is it possible to do absolutely nothing all day and still be to tired to even try and socialize? I literally woke up late, didn't go to class and then watched some movies. And yet, I feel so done with this day. I'm so exhausted and in pain from this stupid excuse of a life. I wish I could truly say I have no desire to be normal and have fun with people. If that were true I'd have no problem at all with just shutting myself in my room and sleeping forever. But no. I torture myself by listening to the people laughing and having fun in the next room and keep my door open with the desperate hope that one of the social, happy douches will want to talk to me. Except I really don't want to speak to anyone. Why can't I just want one or the other and freaking act on it. Too tired I suppose. Too disenchanted with this crap.

Self Absorbed Pity Party

As I've recently come upon an incredible amount of down time due to my refusal to go to class, do homework, or contribute to society in general, I've decided to update my blog. It seems incredibly out of date with my current attitudes and day to day musings. I am an absolute vindictive bitch now. And if you have the misfortune to care about me, you will be repaid with insults and sarcasm. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. It's just as confusing to me. I remember wanting to be known as kind and loving. I was very happy. And delusional. Don't get me wrong, I still laugh and joke a lot, but the jokes have been taking on a new bite that in the past was never there before. I like giving people the opportunity to see what failures they are.

The truth is I have lost all empathy or caring. I find myself getting so annoyed with people that I say and do things to make them hate me. Just so they will leave me alone. Even with my friends I feel angry and hostile. My impatience with everyone I love is just causing me to lash out and drive any humanity out of my life. Loneliness is hard. Self appointed loneliness just pisses me off. It's almost as if I like being miserable and unhappy. I know (unfortunately) that I am responsible for all of my feelings, so my question must be, "Why do I hate myself?"

Why else would I force depression so hard on myself?