Flipper committed suicide because of you.

Beatty, You Beauty

So this is what I did today. I went on an hour and a half drive with my good buddy Cait and her mom to Beatty, Nevada. There was a reason we went, I promise. You see, there is a candy store there. It's big. And full of candy. Cait's mom has some guilt issues where is comes to being a good mother, and she seems to try and make up for it in gifts. A lot of gifts. Also food. And junk. 106 dollars worth of junk food. I felt especially happy that there was a rather large section devoted to sugar-free candy. My eyes only saw the chocolate however. Having arthritis is a challenge in and of itself, but the limitations it puts on my diet are possibly the biggest challenge of my life. The candy was a gift from the Gods put into my hands and mouth via the ever generous Bonnie. During the car ride back to Las Vegas I texted my mama to tell her that I had just eaten my weight in sugar-free chocolate, and that I was never going to be as happy as I was at that moment. She responded simply, "Warning. Sugar free candy gives you diarrhea." What?... It didn't make sense. My mind was muddled and tired. I decided she was just jealous or mistaken, and I quickly fell asleep for the rest of the way back.

All was well as I sat in the outdoor hot tub watching Whip It in the sprinkling rain. I was content in my ideal happiness... Until... My tummy squirmed. It twisted and shouted. I was not ready to die, but it seemed I had reached the end of my road here on earth. I then remembered what my mother had cautioned. I was not excited for the night ahead.It is now three thirty in the morning, and I am officially done with this stupid, fake, sneaky chocolate forever. Or until I miss candy again.. Whichever.

Sleep

How is it possible to do absolutely nothing all day and still be to tired to even try and socialize? I literally woke up late, didn't go to class and then watched some movies. And yet, I feel so done with this day. I'm so exhausted and in pain from this stupid excuse of a life. I wish I could truly say I have no desire to be normal and have fun with people. If that were true I'd have no problem at all with just shutting myself in my room and sleeping forever. But no. I torture myself by listening to the people laughing and having fun in the next room and keep my door open with the desperate hope that one of the social, happy douches will want to talk to me. Except I really don't want to speak to anyone. Why can't I just want one or the other and freaking act on it. Too tired I suppose. Too disenchanted with this crap.

Self Absorbed Pity Party

As I've recently come upon an incredible amount of down time due to my refusal to go to class, do homework, or contribute to society in general, I've decided to update my blog. It seems incredibly out of date with my current attitudes and day to day musings. I am an absolute vindictive bitch now. And if you have the misfortune to care about me, you will be repaid with insults and sarcasm. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. It's just as confusing to me. I remember wanting to be known as kind and loving. I was very happy. And delusional. Don't get me wrong, I still laugh and joke a lot, but the jokes have been taking on a new bite that in the past was never there before. I like giving people the opportunity to see what failures they are.

The truth is I have lost all empathy or caring. I find myself getting so annoyed with people that I say and do things to make them hate me. Just so they will leave me alone. Even with my friends I feel angry and hostile. My impatience with everyone I love is just causing me to lash out and drive any humanity out of my life. Loneliness is hard. Self appointed loneliness just pisses me off. It's almost as if I like being miserable and unhappy. I know (unfortunately) that I am responsible for all of my feelings, so my question must be, "Why do I hate myself?"

Why else would I force depression so hard on myself?

I am SO incredible. Literally. Looking back on who I was compared to the fantastic, spiritual and loving girl I am now is crazy. The differences are huge. I see all the love and peace I have created for myself, and I can't help but constantly thank God for all I have been given. I am so grateful for what I have learned. The power of choice in my life is truly the only way for me to ensure my own happiness. I love that I can do want I want. All the time. And I can then choose how I feel about about it. I have become free and open and loving. All the limitations I felt on my love and joy were caused by my own fear in the end.

When I first realized that being vulnerable and honest didn't have to paralyze me with fear and that the more open and truthful I allowed myself to be the more power I had every aspect of my life changed. I had been giving all my power to fear and letting it stop me from choosing anything for myself. I can now say that I have the ability to honestly live without regrets. This notion is so tremendous and life altering for me. It brings only good feelings and experiences into my life.

The pure greatness and joy that I have found in my life is amplified infinitely by the fact that God is constantly giving me the power and love necessary to make the choices that will bring me the most happiness. He gives me all that I need and makes the actions of others insignificant to my happiness. I am so grateful for that knowledge. It truly ensures a constant choice for peace and joy. No matter the situation. It's up to me to which feelings I want. And I have found that being happy is so much better. How I ever thought differently is beyond me. I am so grateful for the choice.

Fuzzy Face

My brain is literally leaking out the back of my head. This whole weekend has been a veritable blur. I've had something to do every minute of every day. Therefore, I've slept around 5 hours since Friday. It's been stressful, fun, exciting, scary, confusing, painful and many other primo words that I simply can't think of because of the aforementioned lack of brain matter...

But guess what? I got new pants. I wish you could see my face right now. It looks kind of like a sideways colon with a capital 'd' right after it. I'll tell more about my weekend later. But here's some Halloween pictures that are really ridiculous.. Ridiculously awesome.

I will be okay

What is my purpose? My talents are so hidden that I can't even find them. I know my mother would say I have a secret, magic something inside of me. But I'm sure that it would just be another piece of me that I've stolen from someone else. I feel like a crappy knock-off of all the people I admire. Which is okay because I want to emulate them, but I eventually end up having no idea who I am or what I really want. I just have all these half-way talents. They are skills that are only impressive to complete morons who, like me, have no talent. Unluckily, I have surrounded myself almost exclusively with truly amazing and impressive people. I love my friends. And I love that they know what they want... Most of the time. Until I am forced to remember life goes on after college, and I need to grow up. Then the panic sets in. It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. Put on a smile and the moment will pass. I am a positive person. That is my talent. I think it will get me far. My kindness and sincerity will be my purpose. Is that allowed? I hope so. That's all I've got so far.